Friday, March 30, 2007

"He" was all that was left of my Heart

I found this tonight - a draft that would have been my first blog entry here - now posted with typos - whatever and no further edits - a frozen slice of my life in February....

I am a starved artist.

Living in New York because twenty years ago it seemed like the place to do art because a lot of galleries at first blush liked my work. But once you move to Manhattan you realize the city is a battleground where you compete with every breath with two income yuppies who want your apartment and the next one over and the one above....and you start to work hard to survive and slowly the art is buried as you kill bill and yourself to maintain a tiny studio. Not a real art studio - just an apartment - something smaller than a "junior one bed room" - something that might have a bath tub in the kitchen.

And once that happens "he" is all that is left of your heart. He works, he commutes, he grows older and he gets fatter. He is a good man but no longer good to himself. He is too depressed and he is watching bad TV to escape.

I realize I need to create. As much as I need to breathe. So I accept that I am in a mid life crisis - married, with great kids and living in a mortgaged suburbia with great schools and so little crime.

And, yes, I am looking to find my heart by rediscovering art. Lower case "art" simply because.

My life more than half spent I no longer am guided by the simple tenet I always believed based on the music of my generation. Yes, there is more to life than "all you need is love." I do accept the day to day responsibilities. I love my family and believe if I am happier I will be better father, husband and neighbor. And to do this I will also need to create and to seek solace and inspiration from music.

So this crisis is good since it is making me face choices and reject a long term stupor.

Very little TV. Healthier foods. Exercise. And also to exercise and develop my singular vision - senses and mind open and increasingly aware of what I see, hear, smell, and feel.

And embrace beauty - where I find it, interpret it or create it.

Experience life. A carp and a Diem. Seize life and take risks and enjoy the ride.


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